National Network for Child Care's Connections
Newsletter
Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D.
Family Relations Specialist
Cooperative Extension
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Copyright/Access Information
Holidays are a stressful time for most families. However, they
may be more troubling for children in single-parent and step-family
homes. Holiday traditions can cause children to remember times
when mom and dad were together. New family arrangements may require
children to celebrate at several homes. Here are some ways to
help children in these families cope with the special stress of
the season.
First, be aware of different types of families as you talk about
holiday plans and make gifts and decorations. Encourage all children
to share their plans and make items for all members of their families.
If children from single-parent and step-family homes talk about
their holiday plans, they may discover others have families like
theirs. When children find others just like them, they feel less
unique and alone. Also, you have to be careful not to discuss
a child's family situation in a way that could embarrass him or
her.
Second, continue to enforce rules and limits. During times of
stress, children need a stable and predictable world. Although
some children may misbehave more when under stress, discovering
that the rules have not changed comforts them. This helps them
see the child care setting as a safe and stable base in the midst
of change.
It is also important for children to be around people who will
listen carefully to their concerns and give them a sense of worth.
You don't need all the right answers. Mostly, children need someone
who listens and cares about what they say.
If children seem upset, encourage them to express their feelings.
For example, if a child expected a big present from a distant
parent and shows anger or sadness because he or she received nothing,
let the child know you care. You can comfort the child by saying
"That must have made you feel let down."
Find out if the parent called or sent a card. If so, point out
that these are also ways people show they care about someone.
You can also encourage the child to talk to the parent about his
or her disappointment. Explain to the child that the parent may
not know that they are upset unless they say so. You might also
suggest the child talk to the parent they live with to understand
the situation better.
If a child is moody, preoccupied, or disruptive and you don't
know why, you might describe their actions to the parents. Ask
whether they know of anything at home that may be troubling the
child.
If a child who normally gets along well with others seems to be
having more fights and disagreements, you might say to the parent,
"Mark usually gets along well with the other kids. But, in
the last few weeks, he has been getting into more disagreements.
Have you noticed any changes in his behavior at home? Sometimes
the excitement of the holidays makes some kids upset." This
gives the parent the chance to talk about his or her own observations
and to offer information that may account for the child's behavior.
However, be careful in assuming that a family situation is the
sole reason behind a child's behavior. Holidays create stress
for all families. The behavior you observe may simply reflect
the tendency of all families to do too much or have unrealistic
goals during the holiday season. It takes most children some time
after the holidays to unwind and get back into daily routines.
Finally, be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Remember
that there are many aspects of the child's life over which you
have little control. You may hear stories from children about
conflicts between parents or competition for children's loyalty
that you think are unhealthy for children. In most cases, there
is not much you can do to change the parents behavior. However,
you can work to create a stable, predictable, and safe environment
for the children you care for. This will help them cope more easily
with stress.
You can also report children's concerns to their parents or encourage
the children to talk with their parents about their feelings.
In some cases, you may also be able to let parents know about
school or community resources for single parents and stepfamilies.
By being sensitive to the needs of both children and parents,
you can help families deal more effectively with both the joys
and stresses of the holiday period.
FORMAT AVAILABLE:: Internet
DOCUMENT REVIEW::
Level 3 - National Peer Review
DOCUMENT SIZE:: 21K or 3 pages
ENTRY DATE:: March 1996
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