POSITIVE DISCIPLINE
National Network for Child Care's Connections Newsletter
ERIC Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Copyright/Access Information
Children learn self-control, how to help themselves, and how to get along with others from the adults around them. One way parents can help children is by setting reasonable limits. Talk pleasantly to children, even babies, when you are setting limits. This helps the child's self-image and may make children more cooperative. Here are some ways to set limits and also promote self-worth in children.
1. Show that you recognize and accept the reason the child is doing what in your judgment is the wrong thing.
"You want to play with the truck but ..."
"You want me to stay with you but ..."
This says the child's desires are legitimate and illustrates that you are an understanding person. Plus, it is honest from the outset. The adult is wiser, in charge, not afraid to be the leader, and occasionally has priorities other than the child's.
2. State the "but."
"You want to play with the truck, but Jerisa is using it right now."
"You want me to stay with you, but right now I need to help Jill."
This lets the child know that others have needs, too. It teaches children to see someone else's point of view and may help the child develop the ability to put himself in other people's shoes. It will also gain you the child's respect because it shows you are fair. And it will make the child feel safe; you are able to keep him safe.
3. Offer a solution.
"Soon you can play with the truck."
One-year-olds can begin to understand "just a minute" and will wait patiently if we always follow through 60 seconds later. Two- and three-year-olds can learn to understand "I'll tell you when it's your turn" if we always follow through within two or three minutes. This helps children learn how to wait for something they want but does not thwart their short-term understanding of time.
4. Often, it's helpful to say something that indicates your confidence in the child's ability and willingness to learn.
"When you get older, I know you will (whatever it is you expect)."
"Next time, you can (restate what is expected in a positive manner)."
This affirms your faith in the child, lets her know that you assume she has the capacity to grow and mature, and transmits your belief in her good intentions.
5. In some situations, after firmly stating what is not to be done, you can demonstrate 1. how we do it or 2. a better way.
"We don't hit. Pat my face gently." (Gently stroke).
"Puzzle pieces are not for throwing. Let's put them in their places together." (Offer help).
This sets firm limits yet helps the child feel that you are a team, not enemies.
6. Toddlers are not easy to distract, but frequently they can be redirected to something that is similar but allowed. Carry or lead the child by the hand and say something like this.
"That's the gerbil's paper. Here's your paper."
"Peter needs that toy. Here's a toy for you."
This says that you believe the child has the right to choose what he will do as it begins to teach him that others have rights, too.
7. For every no, offer two acceptable choices.
"No! Rosie cannot bite Esther. Rosie can bite the rubber duck or the cracker."
"No, Jackie. That book is for grown-ups. You can have this book or this book."
This approach encourages the child's independence and emerging decision-making skills. However, it also sets boundaries. Children should never be allowed to hurt each other. It's bad for the self-image of the one who hurts and the one who is hurt.
8. If children have enough language, help them express their feelings, including their anger and their wishes. Help them think about alternatives and solutions to problems. Adults should never fear children's anger.
"You're mad at me because you're so tired. It's hard to feel loving when you need to sleep. When you wake up, I think you'll feel more friendly."
"You feel angry because I won't let you have candy. I will let you choose a banana or an apple. Which do you want?"
This encourages characteristics such as awareness of feelings and reasonable assertiveness that we want to see children develop. It also gives children tools for solving problems without creating unpleasant scenes.
Adapted from "Ideas That Work with Young Children: Avoiding Me Against You Discipline," *Young Children*, November 1988, pp. 24-29.
DOCUMENT USE/COPYRIGHT
National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Part of CYFERNET, the National Extension Service Children Youth and Family Research Network. Permission is granted to reproduce these materials in whole or in part for educational purposes only (not-for-profit beyond cost of reproduction) provided that the author and Network receive acknowledgment and this notice is included:
Reprinted with permission from the National Network for Child
Care - NNCC. (1995). Positive discipline. In Todd, C.M. (Ed.). *Child care center connections* 4(6). Urbana, IL: National Network for Child Care at the University of Illinois Cooperative Extension Service.
FORMAT AVAILABLE:: Internet
DOCUMENT REVIEW:: Level 3 - National Peer Review
ENTRY DATE:: July 1996
