National Network for Child Care's Connections
Newsletter
Charles A. Smith, Ph.D.
Human Development Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies
Kansas State Cooperative Extension
Copyright/Access Information
Aggressive behaviors are learned. Responsive caregivers establish
an atmosphere of cooperation and caring. The following suggestions
will strengthen your ability to nurture self-esteem in young children
and reduce aggressive behaviors.
LEAVE YOUR ANGER AT THE DOOR. Many things outside of the
day-care setting can cause us to be upset: oversleeping, an argument
with a spouse or roommate, even losing your keys. If you allow
this anger to intrude into your relationships with children, you
may confuse them and leave them feeling guilty. Pause for a moment
before you begin the day with children. Take a deep breath and
release the anger or frustration you might feel. If you do "snap"
because of the stress you are feeling, apologize and let the children
know it is not because of them. Modeling behavior that lets children
know that we adults are not perfect is also important.
IDENTIFY YOUR OWN ANGRY FEELINGS WHEN WORKING WITH CHILDREN.
Dealing calmly with children when they misbehave is important.
But sometimes we still feel anger. Children are accurate observers
of body language so they are aware of your anger. Reassure the
children that you are angry at the situation or behavior and not
at them. Explain why you are angry. Say, "I don't like hitting
because hitting hurts!" instead of "I don't like children
who hit!" or "I don't like you when you hit!"
LET CHILDREN TELL YOU HOW THEY FEEL. Sometimes our projections
about children's feelings are clouded by how we feel about the
situation. Help children recognize and label their own feelings.
Say, "You seem angry to me. What's going on?" or "Sometimes
people feel angry and stirred up inside when they get hit. How
do you feel now?"
ACCEPT THE CHILDREN'S RIGHT TO HAVE ANGRY FEELINGS, BUT DO
NOT ACCEPT AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS. If you ignore hitting, pinching,
slapping, biting, or other violent acts, the vicious cycle of
anger and aggression can accelerate. Say, "Tina, I understand
you are angry right now, but I can't let you hurt yourself or
Ben."
HELP CHILDREN FIND ALTERNATIVES TO AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR. Encourage
them to use words to communicate their needs. Say, "Ted,
tell Stephanie you want your book back."
HELP CHILDREN RECOGNIZE ANGRY FEELINGS AND THE BEHAVIORS THAT
RESULT FROM THE FEELINGS. Point out the cause-and-effect relationship
that exists between somebody else's actions and their own feelings.
Say, "Mark felt angry when he tore up your paper, Matthew."
When a child hurts someone, focus most of your attention on the
child who was hurt. Comfort the child. Avoid rewarding the child
who hit with your attention. Even negative attention can reinforce
aggressive behavior. Say, "I know that hurt, Jason. Can I
give you a hug?"
If possible, have the child who was aggressive aid the other child.
Instead of a forced hug and a meaningless "I'm sorry,"
you might ask the aggressor to give the victim a soft animal to
hug. Or you might say, "Terry, you bit Mary. Biting hurts.
Please get a warm, wet washcloth for Mary. Thank you." In
some cases, you will need to remove the child who was aggressive
to another part of the room and allow the child to calm down before
any positive behavior will be possible.
Examine your home for potential sources of frustration and accidental
anger. How crowded are the indoor/outdoor play spaces? Are there
enough materials? Are the materials age-appropriate? Do the children
have enough time to get really involved in the play? Are there
enough adults available to provide positive attention to the children?
Are children expected to sit quietly for longer periods of time
than their attention span allows?
Anger grows out of frustration. Aggression grows out of powerlessness.
You can reduce aggression by paying attention to the environment
you create and by teaching children acceptable ways to achieve
their goals.