National Network for Child Care's Connections
Newsletter
Charles A. Smith, Ph.D.
Human Development Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies
Kansas State University Cooperation Extension
Copyright/Access Information
Everyone experiences sadness and grief when separated from loved
ones. Healthy grieving is necessary to come to terms with loss.
Excessive and prolonged grieving can prevent a child from approaching
others and forming new attachments. Responsive teachers and caregivers
help children feel more comfortable with expressing sad, unhappy
feelings. Here are some suggestions for helping children deal
with sadness and loss.
Encourage children to talk about their feelings. The death of
a classroom pet, the unexpected move of a child, and the loss
of a favorite plaything all provide opportunities to talk about
their feelings. Use words such as sadness, grief, sorrow, and
loss. Note the following exchange.
Teacher: "Yes, our little hamster, Snuffles, died last night.
I know you really enjoyed playing with him, Sandy. How are you
feeling right now?" Child: "I feel sad and have a lump
in my throat."
Encourage children who are experiencing loss to remember the
person or thing that they have lost. Accept the child's need
to talk about good and bad memories of the missing person, pet,
or plaything. A child might say, "Sometimes Spike used to
bark and bite, but he also liked to play catch."
Understand that children may want to talk about other feelings
and concerns related to a loss. With the loss of a parent, a child
may need to talk about his fear of what will happen to him, how
his life will change, and what might happen to the other parent.
Talk about and express you own feelings of sadness. As
you talk about your feelings, you might begin to cry. Your honest
tears are a powerful message to children that they can talk about
sadness and express grief in your classroom too. Your vulnerability
also provides children with an opportunity to respond in a caring
and loving way to give you support. If the loss is so great that
you fear loss of control (the death of a child in your classroom,
for example), take the time to share your feelings with an adult
friend before talking with the children.
You might say, "I am feeling sad because my best friend is
moving away," or "I'm feeling sad because it's the end
of the year and this is the last day we will be together as a
class."
Provide an accepting atmosphere. Children experiencing
loss need to feel free to openly express their feelings of sadness
and grief. Be careful to avoid minimizing their feelings by saying
things like "It's not so bad" or "Cheer up!"
Avoid probing questions that may distract and confuse. Say, for
example, "Erin, you feel hurt and sad inside that your dad
has moved out. It's okay to cry."
Accept as normal some changes in behavior. For both children
and adults, it is hard to leave our emotions outside the classroom.
Each child will react differently to loss. A loss at home may
cause some children to have difficulty concentrating. Others may
lash out at their friends and teachers. Still others may become
very quiet and withdrawn.
Imagine, for example, that one of your children has parents who
recently divorced. Before the divorce, he was an independent,
active child. But now he seems to cling to you as much as possible,
seeking your attention and wanting your approval of everything
he does.
Anger can also mask sadness and grief. Children's sadness may
emerge only after the anger is accepted and safely expressed.
Say, "Sharon, sometimes people act angry when they are really
sad and hurt. If you feel angry, you are welcome to pound this
playdough. When you're through, we can talk about it."
Recognize when children's grieving requires professional assistance.
Recommend that parents seek professional help if their child's
grieving becomes a problem for the child. Consider the following
questions when reaching this decision.
Is the child pretending nothing has happened? How long have the
following grieving reactions persisted? Has the child become physically
and/or verbally aggressive? Has the child withdrawn socially from
other children? Has the child's schoolwork and concentration declined?
Has the child talked about suicide? Our task is to help parents
find the strength to admit that qualified professional care is
necessary. Somehow we have to reduce the stigma of needing and
seeking help.
A PIECE AT A TIME
PURPOSE: to help children identify facial, body, and situational
clues to emotions.
AGE: 3-4+
SETTING: small or large group
MATERIALS: corrugated cardboard (approximately 9" x 12"),
a sharp knife, four or five small beads, superglue, and an emotion
picture file with selections illustrating sadness, loss, and happiness
mounted on 8-1/2" x 11" tagboard.
ACTIVITY:
1. Make a template from the corrugated cardboard. Cut four or
five holes of different shapes in various locations on the cardboard.
Glue a bead on each piece of cardboard cutout. Replace the cutouts
in the spaces (like a puzzle).
2. Cover one of the pictures from the emotion picture file with
the template.
3. Reveal the picture to the children by removing one template
piece at a time. Encourage the children to talk about what is
happening in the picture.
4. Repeat with another picture.
MOVING AWAY
PURPOSE: to help a child who is moving away cope with the sense
of loss.
AGE: 2-1/2+
SETTING: large-group storytelling arrangement.
MATERIALS: an easel with large sheets of paper and markers.
ACTIVITY:
1. When a child in the group is going to move, have the children
share personal experiences about moving.
2. Interview the child who is moving. Draw pictures on the easel
of things she will miss, things she likes about her current home,
school, and town.
3. Help the children share memories of good times with the child
who is moving.
4. Talk about the feelings of sadness and loss the children are
experiencing. But also talk about the happy feelings associated
with the good memories and with the excitement of the move.
5. Reassure the children that it is okay to have both sad and
happy feelings at the same time.
WARM FUZZIES/COLD PRICKLIES
PURPOSE: to help children recognize and discuss happy and sad
times in their lives.
AGE: 4+
SETTING: children sitting on the floor in a large circle.
MATERIALS: a yarn ball, a nylon or metal scouring pad, and a tape
or record of relaxing instrumental music.
ACTIVITY:
1. Share with the children happy experiences (warm fuzzies) and
sad experiences (cold pricklies) from your childhood. Share how
you felt during these times.
2. Tell the children that they are going to play a "feeling" game. Ask them to think quietly in their minds about warm fuzzies
or cold pricklies.
3. Show the children the yarn ball (to represent a warm fuzzy)
and the scouring pad (a cold prickly). Talk briefly about how
some of our experiences are like a warm fuzzy yarn ball and some
are like a cold prickly scouring pad. Give examples.
4. Have the children sit next to each other in a circle and pass
the yarn ball and scouring pad around the circle while the music
is playing.
5. Stop the music. The person holding the yarn ball when the music
stops shares a warm fuzzy while the person holding the scouring
pad shares a cold prickly. An example of a cold prickly might
be a friend moving away. A warm fuzzy might be going to Grandma's
house. The children could share personal experiences if they want
to. Be prepared for different interpretations of the same event.
One child's "warm fuzzy" may be another child's "cold
prickly". Children might need to express and talk about these
feelings.
6. Repeat a few more times so other children can share.
7. End the game by reminding children that both happy and sad
feelings are a normal part of life and that it is okay to cry
when you feel sad.
8. Respect the children's right to privacy and do not force them
to share personal experiences.