National Network for Child Care's Connections
Newsletter
Neil Hawlk, Director
Somers After-School Day Care Program
Rosenthal YNWHA of Northern Westchester, Somers, New York
Copyright/Access Information
Ever notice that kids get into fights? Ever trace the fights back
to what caused them? It's always the same thing: wants in conflict.
Sometimes two kids want the same thing ("That's my chair,
I had it first!"), or they want mutually exclusive things
(Younger Sibling: "I want to play!"/Older Sibling: "Get
lost!"). And no matter how little they succeed, they just
keep on wanting.
These conflicts used to happen all the time at our child care
center until we decided we would either have to get rid of the
kids or teach them to work it out. So we began to experiment with
conflict resolution procedures. The kids got pretty good at it
with time, but there were still a lot of conflicts. So we watched
carefully to find out where all the conflicts came from. Lo and
behold, most conflicts began because someone had not asked directly
for what he wanted or because he had asked and the other person
said no. Frequently, it wasn't so much that the other person said
no; it was the way he said it loudly, threateningly, disrespectfully.
So we got to work and developed a little human-relations skill
curriculum. We began to give workshops during our community time
on how to ask for something. We also worked on how to say no and
get the other person to live with it. And we began to teach our
four-step conflict resolution ritual.
We taught the kids the language of asking: "May I please...?,"
"Would it be okay if ...?," and "Would you mind
if ...?"
We taught them to sweeten these requests with a compliment: "That's
a beautiful doll. May I hold her?" Or they could sweeten
with reassurance: "May I borrow your marker? I promise not
to use it all up." Humor is another sweetener: "May
I borrow your pencil? I promise I won't eat the whole thing."
We noticed what made our own no's easier to take. Giving a reason
when we said no made the "no" more easily accepted.
It helped when we explained if the "no" was in the best
interests of everyone (for example, if it were a matter of safety).
And it helped if the receiver could understand and identify with
what the "no"-giver wanted: "I'm sorry, but this
is my new pencil. My grandmother just brought it back from Florida,
and I don't really want to lend it."
If we added sweeteners again, no's were even more readily accepted.
The child could reassure: "It's not that I don't trust you
with it. It's just new." Or she could give hope: "Maybe
in about five minutes I'll be done and you can borrow it."
Of course, kids needed a back-up skill for the times when they
just couldn't live with no. At those times, they could go to conflict
resolution. We designed and tinkered until we settled on a little
ritual with four steps:
Step 1. Signal that a conflict is to be settled win-win by standing
in the "Position of Strength" arms folded across the
chest with fists holstered but still feeling strong.
Step 2. Each person states 1) what they want and 2) why they want
it without talking about the past. Talking about the past just
makes people angrier. For example, don't say, "I want the
chair because I was there first." Say instead, "I want
the chair so I can sit next to my friend." This two-part
"want" says what you want and why you want it. Remember,
no's are more easily accepted when the other person is given a
reason. Each party in the conflict must listen to the other's
two-part want and repeat it back: "You want the chair so
you can sit next to your friend, but I want the chair because
I want to sit to eat my snack." Then the other child repeats:
"You want to sit to eat your snack."
Step 3. Anyone can suggest a way to resolve the conflict by giving
each of the parties enough of what they want so they can live
with it. These proposals come in three forms.
1) Not enough/get more. First, just try getting another chair.
2) Share/include. If both parties want to sit next to the same
friend, one child sits on either side so they can share the friend.
3) Make a deal. If both parties want to talk to the same friend
and the friend can't listen to both at the same time, they make
a deal that one goes first but gets to talk for less time.
If none of these proposals works, ask each party to add a third
layer of wants:
Kid 1: "I want the chair (layer 1) so I can sit next to Paul
(layer 2), so I can plan an after-school soccer game (layer 3)."
Kid 2: "You want to sit next to Paul to plan an after-school
soccer game, but I want to tell Paul all about my weekend."
The third layer of wants may show Kid 1 that he only needs two
minutes to plan. Kid 2 may realize he needs more time, so he may
see an advantage in going second but getting more time to talk.
Step 4. Sign with a thumbs-up acceptance of a win-win proposal.
Soon our human-relations skill curriculum became our Citizenship
Quest. When the kids demonstrated these skills four times in real
living, they were credited with "possessing" that skill
(called a Power). When a child possessed all the Powers, they
became a Citizen. Citizens were given more freedom because they
had earned the trust to manage their own affairs. But they also
had more responsibility. They could be expected to use their Powers.