Charles A. Smith
Extension Specialist
Human Development Cooperative Extension Service
Kansas State University
Copyright/Access Information
Child-rearing is a stressful experience, especially in modern
society with its fragmented values, dual parent employment, divorce,
and loss of extended family support. Parents of teenagers may
experience the greatest stress of all. They are faced with the
difficult task of guiding young people who are in the midst of
a dramatic, and sometimes turbulent, transition from childhood
to young adulthood. With the onset of puberty come the dangers
associated with sexuality and pregnancy, substance abuse, and
automobile use - issues that heighten parents' apprehension and
may increase conflict with their teenagers. Continued stress and
frustration can wear parents down, diminishing their sense of
self-worth and creating tension between spouses.
Parent self-esteem is important for two reasons: First, we act
consistently with our beliefs and feelings about ourselves. If
a person believes something is true, that belief affects his or
her actions just as though it were actually true. A parent who
believes he is inadequate will fail to take positive action. A
parent who believes she is weak and powerless may respond by over-controlling
her teenage children.
Second, our perceptions of the world around us are affected by
our self-esteem. Our beliefs about ourselves, our children, and
our relationships can act as a spotlight that draws our attention
to events that confirm those beliefs. Parents who believe they
are failures will notice their mistakes more than their successes.
Those who believe they are unloved may notice every little rejection
and overlook expressions of affection by their children.
Our beliefs about others also serve as a screen or filter that
can distort our observations. Parents who believe they are stupid
may attribute their successes to good luck, fate, or the intervention
of another person. A parent who believes her daughter uses drugs
may interpret any suspicious behavior as a confirmation of drug
use. Parents who are insecure with their own self-image may "under-react"
by withdrawing or "over-react" by dominating. Their
insecurity prevents them from making an accurate assessment of
the situation and choosing a reasonable response to solving the
problem. Both extremes - domination and withdrawal - are ineffective
and damaging to self-esteem.
This publication outlines the developmental tasks related to self-esteem
that face young children, grade schoolers, and adolescents, as
well as the special pressures parents may face with each of these
age groups. Key issues underlying parents' self-esteem also will
be summarized. The charts that follow summarize the key concepts
that relate to parent self-esteem. This approach to self-esteem
is based on the four key concepts identified in *I'm Positive:
Growing Up With Self-Esteem* [Extension Publication S-31]:
I am a Person.
I am a Dreamer.
I am a Champion.
I am a Friend.
Person - Gains familiarity with the objective, observable,
physical dimensions of self. Differentiates self from others.
Begins to form opinions about the self. Recognizes whether he
or she is special to parents.
Dreamer - Works toward immediate goals (building a tower
of blocks, making a painting). Develops imagination - the ability
to envision possibilities. Develops a positive or negative attitude
toward a general, non-specific future. (Tells mother, "When
I grow up, I'm going to marry you!")
Champion - Takes pride in making things happen rather than
creating products (loves painting, building, and running more
than the end results). Discovers what the body is capable of.
Perseveres in moderately difficult tasks. Resists physical assault
by peers; protects property. Occasionally resists demands of parents.
Friend - Learns skills for social interaction with peers.
Gives and receives physical affection in relationships with parents
and special friends. Begins to form a conscience. Responds to
others' distress in a positive manner. Shows tenderness toward
pets, assumes some responsibility for their care.
Person - Expands the physical/behavioral concept of
self to include psychological or personality characteristics.
Compares self with others and evaluates self in terms of others'
impressions. Shift in focus from family to friends in defining
the self.
Dreamer - Begins to have a clearer picture of possible
life goals. Likely to respond to "What do you think you want
to be when you grow up?" Learns to work toward short-range
goals (e.g., school projects). Becomes more aware of his or her
talents; acquires hobbies.
Champion - Competition may have a significant effect on
self worth. Takes pride in accomplishments. Learns strategies
for resisting psychological assault. Acceptance by peers nurtures
sense of competence. Emulates attractive same-sex role model.
Uses power to cooperate with and help others.
Friend - Forms closer, more enduring friendships. Has a
"best friend." Learns the give and take necessary for
lasting friendships. Participates in a peer culture. Conscience
becomes a significant part of the personality.
Person - Adjusts to dramatic physical changes. Establishes
independence from family and peers. Experiments with different
identity forms. Comes to terms with his or her individuality.
More aware of strengths and weaknesses.
Dreamer - Life goals become more important. Many feel insecure
about the future at times. Forms a clearer picture of realistic
occupational choices. Seeks a match between interests and strengths
and career alternatives.
Champion - Integrates strong feelings about right and wrong
into an ethical framework. Perseveres toward important goals despite
ridicule or doubt. Will not be distracted by others' self-destructive
behavior. Capable of negotiating conflict.
Friend - Can understand and respond to psychological distress.
Provides psychological support to peers experiencing distress.
Frames problems from another person's viewpoint. Relates successfully
to the opposite sex.
Person - You are a person in your own right. Separate
your sense of self from that of your children. Regardless of our
devotion and attachment to our children, we are still unique individuals
with our own needs. Keeping our sense of self separate from our
children is not rejection, abandonment, or neglect. If we grant
ourselves the right to be individuals, we can also give our children
the freedom to define themselves - to dream their own dreams and
fight their own battles. We have a life outside of being a parent,
with our own friendships and interests.
Self-acceptance promotes self-respect. Remember that you are only
human, and learn from your mistakes. To paraphrase Dorothy Briggs,
"Look forward, to your stars, not backward, to your scars."
We do not have to define ourselves by our children's successes
and failures, either. We need to view ourselves as good people
regardless of the choices our children make.
Dreamer - Nurture your own dreams as well as your children's.
What do you hope to accomplish with your life? Focus on some personally
satisfying activity that gives you a feeling of accomplishment.
Setting personal goals nurtures hope and a positive view of the
future.
Be reasonable in your expectations for yourself as well as for
your children. Unreasonable expectations and irrational distortions
lead to failure, aggravate stress, and diminish self-esteem. Avoid
the role of the all-knowing, all-powerful, "always right"
parent. Re-examine your attitude toward time: take a long-term
view of your own life and your children's.
Champion - Live up to your convictions. Do not feel swept
along by shifting social values, personal fatigue, time pressures,
and harassment from children or other relatives. Define what is
important for you and your children, and use those convictions
to guide your actions. Parents are not helpless: We have the power
to make choices about how to raise our children. We may be challenged
to rise above the hurtful child-rearing we experienced as children,
and make our own choices. If we were spanked by our parents, we
are not destined to spank our children. If we heard hurtful words,
we are not destined to repeat them to our children. We can define
for ourselves the kind of parents we want to be.
Friend - Make a conscious choice to love and nurture your
children. Being a parent can stretch and deepen all of our emotions
- joy, love, anger, fear, sadness. The struggle of protecting
and nurturing another human life can deepen our humanity and compassion.
To love and nurture our children, we must also love and nurture
ourselves. When there is a conflict, who comes first? When a crisis
occurs with our children, we may drop everything, forgetting ourselves
and providing immediate, unconditional support by giving our time
and resources to restore our children's well-being. Never lose
sight, though, of your own need for support and affection. Find
linkages with other caring adults who can meet these emotional
needs.
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