Charles A. Smith
Extension Specialist
Human Development
Cooperative Extension Service
Kansas State University
Copyright/Access Information
Though they may sometimes find it difficult to express their
feelings, most fathers care about their children and families.
In a 1980 Gallup poll, six out of ten fathers said their families
were "the most important element of my life at this time."
Only 8 percent said their families were unimportant to them. When
asked what they found most satisfying about their families, fathers
rated "children," "closeness," and "being
together" as personally important. [1]
This hearty endorsement of family life contradicts some of the
traditional roles or popular images of fathers in our society:
The Wallet: This father is preoccupied with providing financial
support for his family. He may work long hours to bring home his
paycheck and does not take an active part in caring for the children.
Making money provides this father with a distraction from family
involvement.
The Rock: This is a "tough" father - strict on
discipline and in charge of the family. He may also believe that
a good father remains emotionally distant from his children, so
expressions of affection are taboo.
The Dagwood Bumstead: This father tries to be a "real
pal" to his children, but his efforts are often clumsy or
extreme. He doesn't understand his children and feels confused
about what to do. He may also feel that he is not respected within
the family.
These traditional stereotypes are now clashing with another image
of a father:
The Caregiver: This father tries to combine toughness with
tenderness. He enjoys his children but is not afraid to set firm
but fair limits. He and his wife may cooperate in childrearing
and homemaking.
This type of father has always been around. But the number of
men who choose this role is increasing. Many fathers today recognize
that family life can be rewarding and that their children need
their involvement.
This shift in roles is influenced by two major social changes:
the increase in the number of women working and the rising divorce
rate. As more and more mothers join the work force, fathers are
being asked to take on more responsibilities at home. In 1979,
40 percent of the mothers of children under age 3 were employed.[2]
Instead of remaining on the fringe of family life, many fathers
are helping more with child care and housekeeping.
Fathers are also profoundly influenced by the escalating divorce
rate.[3] For every two marriages there is now one divorce - a
tripling of the divorce rate between 1960 and 1980. If they are
not directly involved in a divorce, most men have friends who
are. They witness the loss their friends have experienced and
reexamine the importance of their own family relationships. Remarriage
and stepfathering are also creating new challenges for many fathers.
Because of these changes in our society, many men are being forced
to develop family relationships that are quite different from
those they had with their own fathers. They cannot easily fall
back on their own childhood experiences for guidance. What worked
very well for their fathers 20 or 30 years ago may not work at
all with the kinds of challenges fathers face today.
These changes in social attitudes mean that men have more options
for meeting their obligations as fathers and husbands. Some men
will express their feelings more openly, while others will be
more reserved; some will enjoy the companionship and play of very
young children, while others will prefer involvement with older
sons and daughters. Fathers do not have to try to fit a certain
stereotyped pattern.
According to sociologist Lewis Yablonsky, a man's fathering style
is influenced by some or all of the following forces: his enthusiasm
for being a father, his own father's behavior, the images of how
to be a father projected by the mass media, his occupation, his
temperament, the way family members relate to each other, and
the number of children he has.[4] No single style of fathering
or mothering, no matter how ideal it appears, is right for everyone.
Regardless of their personal style, most fathers are interested
in having a satisfying relationship with their children. Although
they might not be able to put it into words, most fathers know
they are important to their children. According to psychotherapist
Will Schutz, a good relationship needs three things: involvement,
respect and influence, and affection.[5]
The first step in any relationship is the feeling by both persons
that the other is interested in them and wants to be with them.
Many fathers begin to prepare for this kind of relationship before
their child is even born. A father who seeks involvement is interested
in his wife's pregnancy and makes preparations for the child's
birth. When the child is born he is eager to hold the infant.
In countless small ways, this father demonstrates involvement
- he may gently touch and play with his children, hold and talk
to them. By doing these things he sends a clear and emphatic message:
I want to be your father. I am interested in you. I enjoy being
with you. You and I have a relationship that is important to me.
Every child wants to sense this type of involvement from his or
her father and mother. Without it, a child feels isolated and
rejected. The foundation of the relationship crumbles.
Research on father-child involvement demonstrates that [6]:
(1) Fathers are significant for children;
(2) Fathers are sensitive to children;
(3) Fathers play with children differently than mothers do.
These differences in play continue as the child grows older. Fathers
may vigorously bounce and lift a 1- or 2-year-old in rough and
tumble physical play; mothers may prefer to play conventional
games like "peek-a-boo," offer an interesting toy, or
read. Fathers' play appears to be more physically stimulating
while mothers are more interested in teaching.
As a result, children seem to prefer fathers as play partners,
though in a stressful situation they may be more likely to turn
to their mothers. This preference could be due to fathers spending
a greater proportion of their time playing with their children
than mothers. One researcher noted that about 40 percent of a
father's time with his young children was spent in play in contrast
to about 25 percent of the mother's time. Even though fathers
may spend less total time in play than mothers, their type of
play and their apparent interest in that type of involvement make
them attractive play partners.
There are, of course, exceptions to this pattern. Some men simply
do not enjoy playing with children, and some mothers may prefer
an arousing, physical form of child play. Also, when both parents
work, the additional demands on the family could affect the amount
of time one or both parents spend enjoying their children.
How can fathers become more involved with their children? First,
they can give each of their children exclusive attention as often
as possible. During their time together fathers could enjoy their
children's company without allowing outside distractions to interfere.
As a result, their children would feel noticed and special. There
is no single formula for how this might be accomplished. A father
and child might play, talk, learn a skill or read together. What
is important is that they notice each other and acknowledge a
common interest. This type of undistracted attention promotes
a sense that each is important to the other.
Fathers might also give their children a glimpse of their work
world. Children want to know what life is like outside the home
and what their parents do at work. Many farm families and small
businesses include their children in the operation at an early
age. Parents in other occupations may find it more difficult to
give their children a glimpse of their work, but even brief visits
or tours will help. Business and industry are gradually beginning
to acknowledge that many workers are parents too, and that adjustment
in this role can have a positive effect on work performance. Some
industries provide day care centers for children of their employees.
Both mothers and fathers are able to visit their children during
breaks.
Once involvement is established in a relationship, influence
is the next step. Each person wants to feel that what he or she
says or wants is important to the other. Each wants to be listened
to and included in discussions and decisions. This sense of personal
power promotes feelings of self-worth and respect for the other
person.
Influence is an important issue in parent-child relationships.
Fathers as well as mothers want their children to listen to them
and to obey their limits. Occasionally parents have to exert control
over their children's behavior. They may allow no debate over
whether a child can stick gum on furniture, play with matches,
or sit on the car while someone is underneath changing the oil.
While parents have to be reasonably firm at times, there are occasions
when they might yield to their children's wishes and grant permission
for safe, enjoyable activities. Giving children privacy, letting
them choose their own clothes, and allowing them to make their
own purchases with their allowances are examples of giving influence
to children.
When they show respect for their children's wishes but also set
and maintain reasonable limits, parents send another clear and
emphatic message:
I care enough about you to provide you with the guidance you must have to grow up to be a happy and responsible person. I will use my strength to protect and nurture you. But I am also interested in what you think is important for yourself. I will gradually let you make more and more decisions on your own so that by the time you reach adulthood, you will be able to care fully for yourself. I respect you, and I know I am worthy of your respect.
Children want their parents to be strong. They need to feel protected
from a sometimes threatening world and from their own immaturity
and loss of control. But they do not want to be overwhelmed by
their parents' dominance. For their own self-respect, children
need a measure of personal influence
Research on father-child influence demonstrates that:
(1) Children typically have viewed fathers as more rigid, threatening,
and demanding than mothers.
(2) Fathers usually are stricter than mothers and more likely
to punish children, but mothers may use a wider variety of punishments.
(3) Mothers who take authority in decision-making in the home
seem to have a marked effect on boys, lowering their sons' tendency
to imitate their fathers and thus their masculine orientation.
Father-dominance, on the other hand, does not lower the femininity
of girls.
(4) Fathers' involvement in setting limits and making decisions
increases their influence in the family, especially with their
sons.
(5) Moral judgment is at a low level in boys and girls who view
their father's control as overly dominant.
(6) Children may experience personal problems and difficulty in
school if they are frequently dominated and punished by their
fathers.
(7) Delinquent boys are likely to have fathers who are controlling,
rigid, and prone to alcoholism. These fathers may use physical
punishment as a form of discipline, and they tend to be inconsistent
and erratic in their childrearing techniques.
Children both admire and fear their father's strength. On one
hand they want their father to be strong and powerful (in the
sense of being self-confident and determined) but they may also
be frightened at times by that power. Walking the middle ground
between dominance and permissiveness can sometimes be difficult
for a father.
How can fathers establish a sense of influence? First, they can
establish and maintain reasonable limits for their children.[7]
Children respect parents who provide firm but gentle guidance.
But they also benefit from parents who gradually allow them to
make decisions on their own.
Fathers could also be responsive to their children's interests.
Instead of always telling them what to do, fathers could listen
and be responsive to their children's suggestions whenever possible.
When shopping, for example, a father might let his 5-year-old
choose one or two stores to visit. Similarly, a father might ask
his son or daughter to suggest a game to play or a movie to see.
There are times, though, when children do not have these kinds
of choices. Parents often have to have the final word. The goal
might be to achieve an appropriate balance of influence in the
relationship.
When people feel accepted and respected in a relationship,
they will begin to develop close feelings of mutual affection.
Parents who are never involved with their children and are either
too permissive or too dominant are not likely to become close
to their children. Fathers who expect to be constantly vigilant
disciplinarians who show no tenderness create a climate of coldness
that puts distance in their relationships. Sometimes the effect
can be painful.
Following a presentation to a community group, the speaker was
approached by a man who wanted to ask a question about his adult
son. He said that he and his boy had never been close. He was,
in his words, the typical busy father who disciplined his kids
but didn't show them much affection. Not long ago he suffered
a heart attack and was not expected to live. When his son visited
him in the hospital room they experienced a moment of intimacy
that the father found deeply rewarding. For the first time in
their lives both men expressed their love for each other. The
words, "I love you, Dad" meant a great deal to this
very sick father. Following his recovery, however, he realized
he was gradually slipping back into his old patterns of coldness
and isolation.
"How can we tell each other about our good feelings?"
he asked. The threat of death made this man more aware of the
emptiness that existed between him and his son. He was struggling
with the idea that although change would be difficult there was
hope if he was willing to take risks and make the effort.
By expressing affection through words and deeds, parents send
another clear and emphatic message to their children:
I want to be close to you; I love you. You are special to me.
I am willing to share myself so you can get to know me better.
You give me joy.
In our closest relationships we seek these bonds of affection.
Talking about these feelings has traditionally been easier for
women than for men, but, like the father in the previous example,
men are beginning to acknowledge the importance of intimacy and
affection. They also are more willing to express the softer, gentler
side of themselves.
Research on father-child affection demonstrates that:
(1) Generosity in preschool boys was more likely when they viewed
their fathers as nurturant, affectionate, and comforting.
(2) Altruism in children grades 3 to 6 was more likely when their
fathers participated in caring for them during infancy.
(3) Loving fathers who provide reasonable, firm guidance without
arbitrarily imposing their will promote competence in their children.
Unloving, punitive, authoritarian fathers tend to produce dependent,
withdrawn, anxious, and dejected children.
(4) Warm, accepting fathers tend to have children with high self-esteem.
Alienated adolescents view their parents as hostile and nonaccepting.
(5) Warm, affectionate fathers influence the development of their
children's sex-role behavior; they also have a positive influence
on achievement and peer popularity in boys and personal adjustment
in girls.
(6) Adolescent daughters recalled less affection and support from
their fathers than the fathers recalled expressing. Daughters
wished they had received, and fathers wished they had given, more
affection and support.[8]
(7) Adolescent boys who thought they were similar to their fathers
were likely to be popular with their peers.
(8) Adolescent boys were more likely to be similar to their fathers
when the fathers were perceived as rewarding, gratifying, and
understanding. These same boys usually scored high on the masculinity
scale of the questionnaire.
(9) Mothers are more interested in the nursing and care of newborns
when fathers are emotionally supportive.
A parent-child relationship might be compared to a bank account.
Every negative act - a frown, a slap, a "no" or "I'm
busy" - is like a withdrawal from the account. In contrast,
affectionate, caring actions are like deposits in the relationship
account. If the withdrawals exceed the deposits, the relationship
breaks down into mutual distrust and isolation - it becomes bankrupt.
Fathers who have to make a large number of withdrawals can do
so if their deposits of warmth, support and nurturance are high
enough. Fathers can be both tough when necessary and tender when
needed.
Tenderness can be difficult for some fathers because of its association
with sexuality. One expectant father was concerned that he could
have difficulty expressing affection if he had a son. He thought
he might feel uncomfortable kissing and hugging a little boy.
As it turned out, a son was born and he and his father are affectionate
and close. The new father felt no hesitancy about expressing his
feelings. Some fathers may become uncomfortable with expressing
affection to adolescent daughters. This unfortunate association
of affection with sexuality can deprive people of the closeness
they deeply need in their relationships.
There are many ways in which men can express their affection for
their children. Some may feel comfortable talking with their children.
Others may let their actions reveal their feelings. Some expressions,
like hugging, are obvious while others, like quiet self-sacrifice,
are more subtle. There is a danger in letting our actions speak
for themselves: subtle forms of affection can easily be overlooked
or misinterpreted. Words can enrich what we do by making our actions
more easily understood by others. Children sometimes need to hear
their father say "I love you" to fully appreciate what
he does for them. On the other hand, words not backed by action
may sound hollow and false. Every father will develop his own
style of showing affection in his relationships with others in
his family.
Few events will change a man's life as much as becoming a father.
Being a father can be both frightening and frustrating. For many
fathers, nothing makes them more angry than a defiant, stubborn
child. Being entrusted with the responsibility for the care of
another person can be an awesome task. But the opposite can also
be true. Nothing may give a father more pleasure than to see his
children gradually grow into adulthood, to have his affection
returned in good measure and to have his deepest feelings of self-worth
confirmed. Regardless of the mask they sometimes wear, whether
it be one of casual aloofness or macho toughness, fathers' feelings
for and about their children run deep. Fathers care.
1. The Gallup Organization, "American Families - 1980,"
Princeton, New Jersey.
2. U.S. Department of Labor, "Working Mothers and Their Children,"
Washington, D.C.: U.S. Government Printing Office, 1979.
3. U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, "Current
Population Reports," October 1981.
4. Lewis Yablonsky, Fathers and Sons (New York: Simon and Schuster,
1982).
5. William Schutz, Profound Simplicity (New York: Bantam Books,
1979).
6. The research conclusions identified in this publication were
selected from the following books: Michael Lamb, The Role of the
Father in Child Development (New York: John Wiley, 1981); David
B. Lynn, The Father: His Role in Child Development (Monterey,
CA: Brooks/Cole, 1974); Ross D. Parke, Fathers (Cambridge: Harvard
University Press, 1981).
7. Charles A. Smith, Effective Discipline (Manhattan, KS: Cooperative
Extension Service, 1979/1980). Ask for publication numbers C-604,
C-604a and C-621.
8. My thanks to Dorothy Martin, Extension Family Life Specialist
in Colorado, for sharing the results of her study titled, "The
Expressive Domain of the Father - Adolescent Daughter Relationship
Defined by Their Perceptions and Desires." Available from
Dissertation Abstracts International, Vol. XXXIX, Number 11, 1979.
The author would like to thank Marilyn Glenn, Evon Goettel, Clarene
Goodheart, Cathy Hastings, Ken Kennedy, Dorothy Martin, Judy Myers-Walls,
Mary Schlaman and Judy Welp for their helpful reviews of this
publication and its corresponding leader's guide.
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