USE CONSEQUENCES, NOT PUNISHMENTS
6-10-97
Most parents agree that children need guidance and discipline
in order to grow into responsible and caring adults. However,
many parents are often at a loss when it comes to deciding the
best way to guide their children -- is it better to beg, punish,
ignore, or give up? One solution is to discipline children with
natural and logical consequences.
Natural consequences provide a method for children or teens to
learn from their own experiences and develop self-discipline and
internal motivation. Using natural consequences shows the child
the advantages of following rules and respecting order. The parent
does not threaten, argue, or give in to the child.
For example, a child who stays out until after the family has
finished eating should miss that meal. That is a natural consequence.
In this same situation, a parent who gives in to the child by
making another meal teaches the child that it doesn't matter if
you come home late -- Mom or Dad will fix things. On the other
hand, punishing misbehavior (the parent might threaten the child
with loss of playtime) can lead to rebellion.
To learn skills that will help in their adult life, young people
need to discover that something uncomfortable happens when they
don't follow rules. As one mother explains, "When our son
doesn't pick up his dirty socks, we don't scold him; we do nothing.
We let the dirty socks pile up until he has none to wear. When
he sees that the situation has become ridiculous, he decides to
change his own behavior."
Logical consequences are created by an adult to fit misbehavior
in a logical way. For example, a three-year-old who continues
to run into the street must stay indoors for the rest of the day.
A teen who comes in past curfew must come home earlier for a few
nights or may lose the privilege of using the family car.
As with natural consequences, logical consequences must fit the
misbehavior. Punishment that does not fit may only arouse a child's
anger or cause retaliation. In addition, a logical consequence
delivered in anger or with a harsh voice will further cloud the
fine line between logical consequences and punishment.
When a parent punishes a child, the message conveyed is "you
better do what I say or else." Punishment often leads to
proper behavior only when the child is afraid of getting caught.
With logical consequences, good behavior results when the child
sees that things will go better when he or she decides to follow
the rules.
Using consequences instead of punishments can help your child
learn to make responsible decisions and become a capable, caring
adult.
6/10/97 cm/cmo
Virginia K. Molgaard
Family Life Specialist
Iowa State University Extension
Ames, IA 50011