HOLIDAYS: FAMILY HISTORY OR FAMILY HASSLE?
Grandparents play a role in determining whether holidays make
family history or family hassles.
Holidays can establish traditions, strengthen family ties, and
set milestones in the passage of time. But holidays also contribute
to family stress. Routines change, expectations soar, and long-
term problems of loneliness, family conflicts, or economic stress
can seem worse.
Grandparents may find themselves squarely in the middle of family
hassles at holiday time.
Keeping your holiday simple doesn't mean ignoring your family's
traditions. Instead, you may discover and strengthen what is most
important about your family history.
As a grandparent, you might feel the pull of wanting to preserve
old routines and traditions (we've always met at our house on
Christmas Eve), even while realizing that new patterns would be
better for you and your family (gathering the week before at your
daughter's would mean less meal preparation for you and less travel
with toddlers for her).
Grandparents may have changes in their economic or health status,
and may need a quieter holiday celebration. Changes may conflict
with family expectations of visits with every child, extensive
gift giving, or elaborate celebrations.
Letting go and making changes can be difficult. To manage the
hassle and strengthen family ties, consider these ideas.
Talk about feelings. Many families don't really talk about their
feelings; they only suppose they know what the other party must
be thinking. Have a family discussion by phone, mail, or in person
to decide what's important in your holiday traditions. Talk about
why some traditions are especially important to each of you.
Support your children's feelings and ask for their support to
say "no." Maybe you really can't cope with 16 people
for five days at your house and maybe your family can't face another
cross-country trip with preschoolers.
Cooperate. Consider new ways to keep the traditions that mean
the most to everyone. A newly married couple may love having a
chance to entertain the family at a holiday dinner. Teenagers
might organize a family gift exchange drawing.
Pass on a special tradition as a gift. One father made copies
of all the stories, poems, and songs that were part of his family's
holiday history. Now each child uses them in a new home.
Create new ways to share old traditions. Consider visits at a
new time. Your family could look forward to a January visit rather
than one during the most stressful holiday period. A grandchild
might enjoy your pre-holiday visit to attend a special performance.
Use family history in your gift giving. Write stories about your
childhood or your children's growing up years. Give a small heirloom
with a written history as a gift. Choose a few old photos and
accompany them with a story about the events and people shown.
Give the gift of caring; it keeps on giving year round. To have
a caring family holiday, consider the changing needs of family
members. Keep the best of the old while you build new family history.
10/14/96
Colleen Jolly
Human Development and Family Studies Extension
Iowa State University Extension
1103 Elm Hall
Iowa State University
Ames, IA 50011
(515) 294-4824