BUT I LOVE MY REAL MOM
Couples forming a stepfamily may enter marriage expecting instant
loyalty from the children.
Most stepfamilies want to appear as a normal family. Yet stepfamilies
usually bring together people of various ages and personalities
with different routines and expectations.
Stepchildren can worry about being disloyal to their natural parent.
Stepdaughter Jean may think, "Mom won't like it if I like
my stepmother," or "She's not my real mom and I better
not like her too much." A child caught in this loyalty bind
can resent a stepparent doing a good job.
Another stepmother, June, wanted to read bedtime stories to Matthew,
her new stepchild. However, Matthew's natural mother did not read
bedtime stories. Matthew enjoyed the bedtime stories so much that
his positive feelings caused him to feel disloyal to his natural
mother.
It's like saying to yourself, "I shouldn't be liking this
so much."
It takes a long time to build up a sense of loyalty; for some
children it can take many years. A first-time family grows together
and bonds to one another over many years. This close feeling can
begin to develop when children are born to parents or adopted
at an early age. As the parents comfort and feed the child, the
child grows close. Physical care is the primary route to parent-child
bonding in the early years.
As the child grows older, however, less physical care is needed.
Also, teenage children are forging their own identity, breaking
away from the family unit. A 13-year-old's needs for independence
can run counter to the needs of a stepfamily.
Find a few activities that allow a close parent/child relationship
to develop. If the stepparent and the child share an interest,
there is more opportunity. A stepmother and stepson may both like
to garden. A stepfather and stepdaughter both may like baseball.
This gives opportunities to grow together.
What works with one child may not work with another. If the stepfather
who likes baseball also has a stepson who prefers to read science
fiction, there may be less opportunity for sharing with this child.
Loyalty and bonding take time. Very loving intentions by stepparents
can be rejected. Go slowly and look for activities that develop
loyalty.
9/19/96
Virginia Molgaard
Family Life Specialist
Iowa State University Extension
Ames, IA 50011