HOW TO STOP SIBLING RIVALRY
It's a familiar scene. You've just come home from work after a
long day. You're hungry and tired and it's time to fix dinner,
but the kids are at it in the kitchen, fighting over whose turn
it is to set the table.
Sibling rivalry is a routine part of growing up in families, but
when that fighting turns into constant arguments, fights, and
the creation of some potentially dangerous situations, it should
be dealt with. Here are some tips to reduce your frustration over
quarrelsome siblings and lessen the fighting too.
First, let siblings express their feelings. For example, Linda's
two sons, Ben and Adam, have had trouble getting along since they
were very young. Playing often ended in grabbing toys, calling
each other names, and complaining to Mom. Now as a teen and preteen,
Ben and Adam are still fighting over the TV, the bathroom, and
the telephone.
Too often parents in this situation try to talk children out of
their feelings by saying things like "Stop complaining. He's
the only brother you have." Linda heard that siblings fight
less when the parent describes feelings. The next time Adam complained
about Ben, Linda said, "Sounds like you're pretty mad at
Ben."
To her amazement, Adam looked puzzled for a minute and then said,
"Yeah, I am mad at him." Then Adam went to another room
to play by himself.
It is also natural for parents to notice one child is more cooperative
or better behaved than another, but comparing siblings does not
encourage better behavior. It only intensifies jealousy and envy.
Instead, try to comment only on the disagreeable behavior and
avoid telling one child that a sibling is better at something.
In addition, trying to avoid arguments by giving equally to each
child only encourages comparisons by children. No matter how hard
parents try to make things equal, children are bound to find something
that's unfair. Instead, try to give to each according to individual
need.
Don't take sides in sibling fights. Instead, try to let children
work out differences. Trying to figure out who started a fight
is nearly impossible, and even if you are sure who started the
fight, taking sides only makes things worse. In addition, the
more you stay out of minor fights, the sooner they will learn
to settle their differences.
It may sound like fighting will stop magically if only you do
the right thing, but realistically it takes time and persistence
for you to learn new ways of treating you children and for them
to learn new ways of getting along.
Don't give up. It may even seem like it is getting worse before
it gets better, but in the long run you will be teaching your
children how to get along better. That will prepare them for important
relationships in the future.
6/16/97 cm/cmo
Virginia K. Molgaard
Family Life Specialist
Iowa State University Extension
Ames, IA 50011