Human Development and Family Studies
Colorado State University Cooperative Extension
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Guidance and discipline are confusing words. They are often thought
to mean punishment, but they can mean much more than that.
For example, to guide means to lead or to show someone the way
to reach a goal. When guidance is done with love and respect,
children develop an inner sense of self-control. Guidance happens
each time parents, teachers, caregivers, and others help children
think through problems, follow rules, or decide between "right"
and "wrong."
To discipline means to train someone physically, intellectually,
emotionally and socially. Disciplining children, while guiding
them with love and respect, helps them develop self-esteem and
responsibility. Parents, teachers, caregivers, and others train
children when they talk, teach, hold, and spend time with them.
There are many specific tools that caregivers can use to guide
and discipline children. Six of these tools are discussed in this
book.
1. divert attention
2. set limits
3. offer choices
4. redirect
5. time outs
6. reinforce behavior
Guidance and discipline then, can be thought of as a group
of tools used to help shape children's behaviors and their personalities.
Tools this powerful are often hard to use because they take lots
of practice.
Caregivers guide children through episodes of misbehavior each
time they care for them. They feel responsible for the children.
They want the children to grow up feeling safe and confident.
In order for this to happen, caregivers need to understand what
guidance and discipline are, and feel prepared to use positive
guidance and discipline tools.
Guidance and discipline are the methods or tools that are used
to help children learn self-control and to feel good about themselves.
In general, positive tools like choices and time-outs help children
develop self-control more easily.
Negative tools like spanking, hitting, yelling, or making fun
of children tend to make them timid and withdrawn or rebellious
and mean. Rather than help improve children's behaviors and gain
their cooperation, negative tools lead children to feel bad about
themselves and to develop fewer feelings of self-control. They
also lead children to question parents' or caregivers' love and
discount the times they really do want to talk, hold, or spend
time with them. Constant questioning and discounting of children
leads to discouragement, and a discouraged child is a child who
is sure to misbehave.
When children have a sense of self-control within them, they know
what to do and when to do it, even when parents or caregivers
aren't around. A sense of self-control helps children feel safe
and confident and enables them to think for themselves.
Children are constantly learning about themselves. When they
find themselves in new situations, they often experiment or test
their limits. A natural curiosity prompts children to ask themselves,
"What will happen if I do this?"
The answer to their questions often comes in the form of discipline
because their curiosity results in misbehavior.
Curiosity is only one of the causes of misbehavior, though. There
are many others. The more caregivers understand about the causes
of misbehavior and the discipline tools, the more prepared they
are to handle it. When misbehavior is dealt with on the spot in
a positive way, everyone involved in the situation wins.
Other reasons children misbehave include:
There are many opinions on the "best" ways to guide
and discipline children toward the goal of inner self-control.
What most experts agree on, though, is that there are no "right"
or "wrong" ways and that the "best" ways are
the ones that work for you as a caregiver. What works for you
depends on your age, experience, attitudes, and values.
Your values are your beliefs. You learn values from parents, caregivers,
teachers, friends, television, books, brothers, sisters, relatives,
and the world around you. Your values help you know what to do
and when to do it. They are part of your inner self-control.
Your beliefs and values influence how to guide and discipline
the children for whom you care. For example, each caregiver might
handle the following situation differently based on his or her
beliefs and values.
Nicholas and Willy are 4 years old. Nicholas has ridden a rocking horse for several minutes and has left it unattended just long enough to cross the room and pick up a doll. As he returns to the rocking horse and begins to climb on, Willy decides she wants to ride on it, too. She boosts herself up onto the horse the same time Nicholas does. Both children scream, "My turn!" and begin to fight over the horse.
CAREGIVER #1: You believe children can learn to play together without fighting and screaming. You talk to them about sharing and taking turns and remove the rocking horse from the room for 10 minutes. In that 10 minutes you hold the children on your lap and help them decide who will ride the horse when it is brought back into the room. If the children can't decide, you say, "if you continue to fight over the horse, then no one will ride it for the rest of today, and we'll try it again tomorrow."
Values: Sharing, decision-making, cooperation, friendship, peace, and quiet.
Tools: Talking, holding, teaching, time out.
CAREGIVER #2: You believe children can be patient and allow others to finish something they have begun. In this case, Nicholas is not finished with the rockinghorse and has left it only long enough to pick up a doll. His prompt return to the horse shows that he wants to give the doll a ride. You step in and say "Willy, Nicholas is still playing with the horse. You may have it when he's done. Let's find something else to do until he's finished."
Values: Patience, respect for other's wishes and property.
Tools: Talking, spending time, re-directing.
CAREGIVER #3: You respond by saying, "Our rule is that only one child can ride the horse at a time. Nicholas, you've had a turn on the horse, now it's Willy's turn. You need to find something else to play with for a while." When Nicholas objects, you say, "It's only fair that both of you have a chance to ride the rocking horse."
Values: Taking turns, equal opportunities to play with toys, fairness.
Tools: Talking, teaching, setting limits.
CAREGIVER #4: You believe that children can solve their own problems. You might take them both on your lap, explain to them why two people cannot ride the horse at the same time, and say, "You can't ride the rocking horse together, and if you fight over it, I'll have to take it out of the room, and then neither of you will be able to ride it. This seems like a problem to me. Would you like to decide who can ride the horse or have me take it out of the room for a while?"
Values? ___
Tools? ___
Knowledge about guidance and discipline tools and about your own values will make you a more effective caregiver. How would you handle Nicholas and Willy's misbehavior?
It's important to understand normal behaviors in each age and
stage of childhood. Then you, as a caregiver, can have a plan
to deal with misbehavior. This section provides a brief overview
of what to expect from children, but it certainly does not tell
you everything you need to know about guiding and disciplining
them. This section will give you ideas so you'll be able to handle
the day-to-day misbehaviors.
Sooner or later, children misbehave and caregivers have to handle
it on-the-spot. The following guidance and discipline methods
are paired with an age and stage of child development. What works
with babies often does not work with preschoolers, so caregivers
need to know when to try each technique. In general, caregivers
can use each tool with children of that age group and with those
who are older.
No guidance and discipline method works all the time. Some won't
feel right to you, and others won't "fit" the children.
As children grow, guidance and discipline techniques also must
grow and change. Experiment until you find what works best for
you. Try to learn the names of these techniques even though the
words may seem long and complicated. Learning the official names
of guidance and discipline methods will help you look them up
in other books and learn about them in more detail.
Infants can be expected to:
Babies cry a lot. They cry because they are hungry, thirsty,
lonely, wet, scared, or tired. Infants cry to tell caregivers
they need something. If they are ignored or punished each time
they cry, their needs are not met. Babies learn to mistrust their
caregivers and to think of the world as an unsafe place.
While crawling on the floor exploring their homes, babies often
discover breakable items on shelves, tables, or in drawers. If
they begin to play with these dangerous objects, caregivers can
switch their attention to other things that are safer. Babies
have short attention spans, so their
interests easily are shifted from item to item. A caregiver can
simply approach the baby in a friendly way, offer a stuffed toy,
ball, or other safe object, and gently exchange that for the breakable
item. If the baby cries, caregivers can try another toy. This
guidance and discipline method is called diverting attention.
Toddlers can be expected to:
Toddlers are messy eaters. It is not okay to expect them to
eat neatly or not to spill their drinks. At 2 years old, their
muscles are not well-developed enough to use a fork correctly
or hold a cup tightly. If caregivers punish toddlers every time
they spill or get messy, their self-esteem can be damaged.
Rules and limits tell toddlers that their caregivers care enough
about them to watch out for them and keep them safe. Since children
are curious about themselves and their worlds, however, they often
challenge the rules or test the limits to see how far they can
go. Although rules may be well known to all, most toddlers need
to be reminded about them quite often. Caregivers should approach
misbehaving children in a gentle, friendly way, and then state
a rule in a firm, simple manner. For example, "We sit on
the couch and jump on the floor."
A rule or limit should be clear enough so children understand
what part of their behavior is misbehavior and also, how they
can change it into acceptable behavior. For example, caregivers
could say, "Screaming and yelling are too loud for indoors.
If you want to scream and yell, you need to go outside."
Making rules in order to manage children's misbehavior is called
setting limits.
Sometimes toddlers will refuse to behave by the rules. A toddler's
developmental job is to learn control and be independent. A good
way to do this is to say "No!" and refuse to behave.
If setting limits with toddlers doesn't work, caregivers might
use another guidance and discipline technique called offering
choices. For example, if the caregiver has stated a rule, "We
play in the yard, not in the street," but the toddler has
refused to move, the caregiver might offer a choice. "Would
you like to play in the yard or go inside the house?" Typical
toddlers will choose between the yard and the house because choosing
will allow them to be in control.
Caregivers need to be prepared to follow through with any of the
choices they offer. If there is something you as caregiver do
not want children to do, do not offer it as a choice, if the child
really does not have one. For example, do not say, "Willy,
would you like to take your bath now?" when you really mean
"Willy, come take your bath now."
Preschoolers can be expected to:
"Throwing sand in people's eyes hurts. Remember how we
talked about using the shovel to dig instead of using it to toss
sand around? Let's get the wagon and fill it up with sand."
This is an example of redirection. The caregiver has suggested
an acceptable behavior to replace the misbehavior. In this example,
the child still gets to use the shovel, but in a way that won't
hurt others.
Redirecting means turning a problem activity or action into an
acceptable one. This tells children that you accept them and their
ideas about play. For example, if a group of preschoolers are
throwing blocks, remove the blocks while saying, "blocks
are for building, not throwing." At the same time, give them
something they can throw saying, "If you want to throw something,
see if you can get these beanbags into this basket." This
redirection tells children it is okay to be physical and to throw
things as long as what they throw is safe and won't hurt others.
Another guidance and discipline method to use with preschoolers
is called time-out. This works especially well when you
are caring for more than one child. A time-out works like this:
When Nicholas and Willy fight over a toy, their caregiver says,
"Since you are having trouble playing together, you both
need a time-out. Nicholas, you take time-out in the big chair
in the living room and, Willy, you sit here at the kitchen table.
Stay there for five minutes, and I'll tell you when the time is
up."
A time-out is not a punishment. It is just a boring stretch of
time in a safe place when nothing much happens. Time-outs work
best with children between 3 and 12. This is an especially good
technique for settling squabbles because it is a "no-fault"
plan and does not blame one child over another for starting the
fight.
When five minutes has passed, Nicholas' and Willy's caregiver
says, "The five minutes are up now. If you are ready to cooperate,
you may come back to the play room."
By stating it this way, the children themselves decide what to
do next. One or both of them may decide to stay where they are
and take more quiet time away from their playmate. That's okay.
The goal of a time-out is to stop misbehavior. It gives children
time to calm down, think about what they did, and realize that
their caregiver is not going to allow misbehavior to continue.
It always helps if children know what to expect from a guidance
and discipline technique, so before trying this method, talk to
the children about how a time-out works.
Then, during a squabble, be sure to call a time-out in a cool,
calm way - not in an angry "yelling" voice. Remember
that the objective of a time-out is to stop misbehavior, not to
punish. Time-outs can be used with toys, too. Remove the toy from
the room for 10 minutes or until the children agree to use it
properly.
Early school-aged children can be expected to:
Early school-aged children are eager to please. They want to
do the "right" thing so they will be noticed by those
who are important to them. Sometimes, however, children who usually
are well-behaved begin to misbehave. This often happens when they
are feeling ignored, mistreated, or unattended to. They misbehave
to get attention - even if the attention they end up with is punishment.
In the mind of a child, bad attention is better than no attention
at all, and they will misbehave if they feel that is the only
way to be noticed.
When caregivers pay attention to misbehavior, they actually end
up supporting it! Giving attention to a child's behavior makes
that behavior stronger. The trick, then, is to support children
when they are doing what you want them to do rather than when
they are misbehaving. When caregivers pay attention to a behavior,
they reinforce behavior. There are three ways to reinforce behavior:
Positive: paying attention to children when they are doing
what you want them to do.
Negative: paying attention to children when they are misbehaving
and doing what you do not want them to do.
Ignore: paying no attention to misbehavior and attempts
to be noticed.
Ignoring misbehavior every time takes patience and is sometimes
impossible. For example, if children are in danger, caregivers
must pay attention to them.
Negative reinforcement happens each time caregivers stop what
they are doing to pay attention to a child's misbehavior. For
example, Willy pulls the cat's tail once and gets no reaction
from her caregiver (even though she gets quite a reaction from
the cat!). She pulls the cat's tail again - still no notice from
the caregiver. The third time, though, the cat knocks over a vase
of flowers as it tries to get away from Willy. This time, the
caregiver leaps to Willy's side, sits her on the couch, and lectures
her about pulling the cat's tail. After their talk, the caregiver
insists that Willy help her clean up the mess.
Although the caregiver in this situation believes that she has
disciplined Willy and taught her a lesson about pulling cat's
tails, what she has really taught Willy is this: "If you
want me to pay attention to you, pull the cat's tail!" In
other words, many caregivers unintentionally teach children to
misbehave in order to get their attention. This would not happen
if caregivers paid attention to children while they were doing
what they wanted them to do, while they were behaving. Caregivers
who want to positively reinforce behavior can do it in two ways.
They can tell children they like what they are doing. For example,
when a caregiver notices a child playing quietly they can say,
"I like the way you are playing quietly with the blocks."
When early school-aged children know you like something, they
will continue to do it in order to please you.
The other way to make a behavior stronger is to spend time
with children while they are behaving. "I am glad you remembered
the rules and went outside to play catch. How about tossing me
the ball?" Spending time with children while they are doing
what you want them to do saves them from having to misbehave just
to get your attention.
The guidance and discipline tools introduced in this section can
be used with children of all ages, not just with the stages they
are listed under. Experiment and have fun. Using humor along with
love and respect can help any guidance and discipline tool work
a little bit better!
Activities and practice can help you learn more about guidance
and discipline. Because no two children grow and develop in the
same way, different guidance and discipline methods may be needed
for each child. Experiment with the ideas in this section and
practice using the tools whenever you can. It will make a difference
in your caregiving skills!
1. Tell the parents of the children you care for about a discipline
technique you learned in this section. Get their permission to
practice it with their children, if the need arises.
2. Ask your mother or father their guidance and discipline beliefs.
How did they discipline you when you were a child? Write a short
story about an incident you and your parents both remember.
3. Go to the library and read more about guiding and disciplining
children. Two more advanced guidance and discipline tools you
can study are called role modeling and natural or logical consequences.
4. Make a guidance kit that you can take with you when you care
for children. It may include toys you can use to divert or redirect
children's attention, and activities they can participate in when
you need to offer them choices. It also might include a "time-out"
box. The box would be used to put toys, materials, clothes (or
anything) in for anywhere from a half-hour to all day or night,
if they were being misused or mistreated. For example, "Willy,
I have asked you not to color in that book, and since you have
done it anyway, the crayons will go into the "time-out"
box for one hour. You will need to find something else to play
with now."
5. Never hit a child! Learn more about child abuse and how punishment
sometimes gets out of hand. Make a poster that shows abusive behavior
versus acceptable behavior. VERY IMPORTANT: Learn about your own
"boiling point." Decide how you will handle your own
anger so you will not hurt a child. Some suggestions are:
Sometimes a frustrated caregiver will shake a child, thinking
this is a safe way to vent anger. DON'T EVER SHAKE A CHILD. Shaking
children can cause serious brain damage and even death. It is
especially dangerous to shake a child who is less than 1 year
old.
6. When using a guidance or discipline tool, it is important to
have eye contact with children so you know they have heard and
understood you. This means you may need to squat, sit, kneel,
or even climb so you will be at their level. Write a short paper
telling why this is necessary.
There are many different theories about guiding and disciplining
children. Most of them are designed to be used by parents or caregivers
who spend time with a child nearly every day. Since caregivers
sometimes see children only occasionally, your best resource right
now is experience. Try each of the six methods described in this
book over and over again. When you have found one or two that
seem to work for you most of the time, ask your Cooperative Extension
agent or librarian to help you find out more about those specific
discipline techniques.